4 Ways To Make The Romaine Lettuce E Coli Outbreak About You

Every time there's an e coli outbreak, there's a huge surge of attention directed at the matter. Here are four great ways to funnel that attention directly to you!

1. Reveal that your actual name is Romaine.

Sure, you might have been telling everyone that your name is Rodger, Patricia, Geoffrey, or Cher, but now is the time to reveal your real name. Then, after you post a doctored copy of your Birth Certificate to Facebook, you can express how coincidental it is that specifically Romaine Lettuce is the topic of drama right now, just like your name!

​You'll get points for the name connection, and if you're really good at it, you could even squeeze out some sympathy points by starting an organization of "Romaine Apologists," fighting to end the stigma against all people named "Romaine" during this time of Romaine hatred.

2. Buy as much Romaine lettuce as you can.

After you get past the confused stares of the cashier at the grocery store, drive home and set up your array of heads of lettuce in your kitchen. Make sure that there's lettuce like, everywhere. Then, Instagram it and include the caption: "Wow, what a great time to learn about the e coli outbreak. #IhaveSoMuchLettuce #WhatDoIDoAboutThisLettuceNow #We'reInASalad

3. Post a hurried and terrified Facebook status about how you just ate a salad.

Make sure you mention that you definitely know it was Romaine lettuce. Consider starting the post in media res as if you are just learning about the e coli outbreak and are currently spitting out pieces of lettuce.

Extra points if you add a video of you spitting out the lettuce on your Snap story. Even more points if it's one of those pre-packaged salads and it has the word Romaine visible anywhere on the packaging.

4. Write a listicle about it for your blog!

Do you feel a little lost? Do you spend your afternoons researching Grad Programs but just close the tabs instead of bookmarking them? Do you play Bloons Tower Defense Battles until you feel numb? Have you've come to a point where you're realizing that your blog posting schedule is probably an unhealthy and obsessive behavior disguised as a 'hobby'  used to distract yourself from an otherwise uneventful, directionless, and generally loveless life?

Well you know what can pull you away from that line of thought? Numbers! Numbers in a spreadsheet that indicate that someone may have read something you wrote maybe! Or just clicked on the page! That's good enough!

Get those clicks that you deserve! Transform tragedy into web traffic!