7 Tips For The Incoming University Freshman

It's August again, which means that the newly graduated high school students from April have turned red, orange, yellow and brown and are falling softly onto the grass of college campuses everywhere.
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Be careful where you step.

Having completed an undergrad degree, I feel responsible to share my knowledge with the incoming sheep. Take notes

1. Scream as much as possible come welcome week.

Welcome week is known for it's crazy ragers, the university sponsored events attempting to sway sheep away from those ragers and the gradual herd of sheep that get kicked out of the dorms for openly smoking pot in the hallways. This week is the one week you have without any kind of school work nagging at your subconscious. The future is already predetermined by the Zulu goddess of Minor Consumption Tickets, Mbaba Mwana Waresa, so you might as well party it up and give in to fate. For long-haired individuals, never underestimate the benefits of an up-do. You don't need a friend to hold your hair back if it's pinned up already.

2. Skip the first week of classes.

The first week of classes is what we veteran university students call "Welcome Week Part 2." It's the week where all your professors go over the syllabus and the professors who think they're fun try and make you do "Get To Know You" games. Guess what? The syllabi are available online, and you probably know your classmates already because they were the ones puking next to you in the grass outside that house party on Thursday.

3. Verbally assault all your professors

Establish dominance immediately. Tell them who's boss. You are. You're the boss.

4. Get your email straightened out.

​A little known fact is that your university has unlimited access to your school email. When your professors are not grading your papers, they're combing through email after email looking for personal information and the address of that upcoming rager on Friday. If you've already established your dominance over your professors, demand that they send all class related emails to your personal address, so you can have privacy when it comes to your technology.

5. Bring many sweaters.

The first thing a professor looks for on the first day of class is how many sweaters each student is wearing. The more sweaters, the higher the grade. Most freshmen only wear five to eight on the first week of classes; take advantage of their ignorance and wear 12-20. In upper level classes it's common to see students wearing 60-80.

6. Bring many pencils.

The same theory of sweaters applies to pencils. Spread them out on top of and around your desk. Make sure they're all sharpened.

7. Have fun

For most, college is a one time experience. Don't waste it! 15 years from now you'll regret not tripping that professor on the staircase. Bored and see a Recreational Tourism Major sleeping in a hammock? Take that ax out of your backpack and chop down one of the trees. Live life to the fullest.