Teletubbies are warm, lovable, felt-covered creatures. They play, explore and learn new things every day. The Teletubbies bring joy to thousands of children every single morning.
Let's pit them against each other.
The Teletubbies aren't identical; each one has a unique color, shape and even personality. Since they have differing traits, they can be subject to a definitive ranking by yours truly. Buckle up, it's about to get controversial. This is a definitive ranking of every single Teletubby.
Now I know what you may be thinking, "But Colin! Po is the smallest one! Pit her against any other Teletubby in a bare knuckle fight and she'd be finished!" While this may be true, many critics of Po are forgetting one of her most important features. Po is canonically bilingual, speaking both English and Cantonese. While she may spend most of her day babbling in gibberish, Po has a basic understanding of two of the largest languages in the world.
Secondly, Po has a scooter. Each Teletubby has a unique item, a purse, hat, ball, or scooter. Of these four items, Po's scooter is clearly the most util. Of all four Teletubbies, Po has the most marketable skills and abilities, and for that, she is number one.
2. Tinky Winky.
Standing at a whopping 10 feet tall, Tinky-Winky could definitely mess you up. The tallest and the oldest of the bunch, Tinky-Winky is large and in charge. But it is not just his stature that wins Tinky-Winky his place in second. Tinky-Winky is also the most politically controversial of the Teletubbies.
Despite using male pronouns, Tinky-Winky is no more masculine or feminine than any of the other three. He sings and dances just as much as his friends do, and let's not forget, according to the BBC, the Teletubbies are babies. Despite this, the fact that Tinky-Winky has a bag that resembles a purse stirred up some trouble. Televangelist Jerry Falwell went on the record alleging that Tinky-Winky promoted homosexuality and inappropriate gender roles. Again, Tinky-Winky is a baby, and arguably the most masculine based on his physical presence.
Just like the Bert and Ernie case, "Teletubbies" executives reassured audiences stating that, "Tinky Winky is simply a sweet, technological baby with a magic bag," while Ken Viselman, one of the show distributors stated, "He's not gay. He's not straight. He's just a character in a children's series."
The ability to stir up trouble is definitely a trait that should be considered when ranking a group of people. There's a reason people like Paris Hilton and Farrah Abraham have the power that they do.
Lastly, Tinky-Winky's bag of controversy is also canonically magical, as previously stated by BBC. Throughout the series, this bag has been shown to be larger on the inside than the outside, having no limits to its volume. While this kind of item has limited uses, combined with his height and controversial nature, Tinky-Winky lands the number two spot.
OK, to be honest, the only thing Dipsy really has going for him is his hat. He has a cow print hat, and it's pretty cool.
Dipsy is also the only other Teletubby that is a certified TOC (Teletubby of Color). However, while he is black, he does not know another language like Po does. In fact, seeing as the Teletubbies all live in one home in a relatively laissez-faire friendly society with no visible socio-economic differences, it's safe to say that the only benefit Dipsy receives is a lower risk of skin cancer.
While he doesn't match up to Po's language skills or Tinky-Winky's stature, Dipsy's hat is still pretty awesome
Laa-laa is actually useless. Her signature item is a yoga ball, and her antennae looks like if Dipsy got into a car accident using Po's scooter.
Her name has too many A's in it, she has no discernible life skills, and she's the smallest next to Po. According to this quote from the Teletubby wiki, she seems like the vainest Teletubby in existence.
Well, there you have it -- a definitive ranking of every single Teletubby. Do you agree, disagree? Feel free to let me know in the comments. I always encourage well thought out, research-based discourse when it comes to these matters. Go forth and be scholars!
(This article originally appeared on Odyssey on July 5th, 2016 back when I wrote for that tragedy)