11 Totally Serious Iconic Queer Justice Suggestions For Donald Trump In The Wake Of Justice Kennedy's Retirement Announcement
As it appears unchangeable, Justice Kennedy is out, and with him the security of many decisions he helped make. So, to deal with the fear of his potential replacement, here are eleven hot takes and queer takes that are my sincere suggestions to Donald J. Trump of who would make a great replacement nominee.
1. Emilia Fart
Queer activist, YouTube personality, and identity philosopher Emilia Fart is an obvious choice for the vacant seat. Toting a regular air of absurdism, Fart already wears robes on the regular, as she details in her personal narrative video essay, "Why I dress like an obese, deranged Judge Judy."
While her legal training may be questionable, the self-proclaimed "number 1 slut in all of Oakville Ontario" would be a solid pick to fill the ninth seat.
And I just googled requirements to be a Supreme Court Justice and her nationality is NOT A DISQUALIFYING FACTOR.
2. Miz Cracker
If Trump doesn't see Ms. Fart as appropriate, then maybe Miz Cracker! Cracker, one of several queens on this list, totes the tagline "I'm thin; I'm white, and I'm salty;" all qualities appealing to Trump.
This 'barbie on bath salts' would bring the well needed perspective, and hair volume, that the court currently lacks. Cracker would bring the Jewish Justice count to four.
3. The Babadook
Heralded as the first queer horror-villain since the gay Nightmare on Elm Street film (the second one), the Babadook would be the first non-corporeal justice on the United States highest court.
This manifestation of grief and mental illness and queer icon could bring some well-needed balance to the court.
4. Ellen DeGeneres
Trump is a media person. Ellen is a media person. Trump loves winning. Ellen got the Medal of Freedom. Need I say more?
Machaizelli Kahey, known on his YouTube channel as MacDoesIt dabbles in politics through humor like any good justice should. His quick editing cuts are what the court need to whip out quick and swift justice.
6. Bianca Del Rio
Actually I take that back. She would call for everyone to be executed. But I mean, she's had Judge experience?
7. Laverne Cox
I know what you're thinking. Really Colin? A black transwoman? That's like the the opposite of someone Trump would nominate.
But like, maybe if she ran really fast past Trump, he would mistake her for Omarosa or something.
8. Miles Jai
Jai has dressed up as and may even actually just be the Babadook, so I'm not sure if I'm repeating points here.
So Jai will probably be hard to sell to Trump, so I think our best bet is to have Jai run full speed at Trump and maybe Trump will make the nomination on the spot out of confusion and fear.
9. Troye Sivan
10. Amber Ruffin
I'm just gonna wait this one out and hope that Trump has literally never heard of anything this icon has ever stood for ever. If not, there's a solid chance she's the next nominee.
Crime solving and being a justice are basically the same thing, right?