I'm A Food Blog Now? Secret Spice "Dirty" Mashed Potato Recipe

I have a newfound respect for food photographers.

So if you're truly stalking me, right now you may be like "Colin, you almost always post every day Wednesday through Sunday, but you didn't post yesterday! What gives?"

I had a potluck yesterday, and cooking for said potluck consumed more time than expected. As a result, y'all are getting a recipe. I made three kinds of mashed potatoes for this potluck, and this was the kind that people liked the most. Consider this 50% recipe 50% prose-poem.

​​Secret Spice "Dirty" Mashed Potato Recipe

​Only 45 steps!

INGREDIENTS

• 1 five-pound bag of russet potatoes
• Water
• Milk
• Butter
• Colby Jack Cheese
• Habanero Jalapeno Pepper Jack Cheese
• Salt
• Garlic Salt
• Black Pepper
• Chilli Powder
• Paprika
• Cayenne Pepper Powder
• Haus Barhyte Spicy Red Jalapeno Mustard, but any spicy mustard should do.

OTHER ITEMS

• A big pot for boiling
• Another pot for holding things
• One Crock Pot which will not be used
• A towel
• ​A plate
• A sharp knife
• ​A cutting board
• A lack of a potato peeler
• ​A strainer
• A fork for mashing​​
• A large empty yogurt container, but any container will do.
• Less time than expected
• Seasons 1 and 2 of The Good Place​

DIRECTIONS

1. Begin by agreeing to bring two kinds of mashed potatoes to your office holiday potluck, unsure if you're going to mash or broil or bake them.
2. The night before, wash all potatoes thoroughly, and place them in a pot.
3. Realize you don't have a potato peeler.
4. Sit down on the couch with two pots on the coffee table, one full of uncut potatoes and one empty Crock Pot.
5. Place your towel on your lap (for any running water) and the cutting board on top of that.
6. Begin watching the last few episodes of Season 1 of The Good Place.
7. Try your hardest to cut the skins off of the potatoes because Ann at work said she doesn't like skins in her mashed potatoes.
8. Realize you're cutting off like a third of the potatoes with the skin.
9. Places these pieces of skin and potato on the plate you have reserved for waste.
10. Chop up the remaining pieces of peeled potato and place them in the Crock Pot.
11. Continue cutting faster and faster as time passes, getting sloppier and sloppier with your cutting. You should complete this step by Season 2, episode 2 of The Good Place.
12. Realize that you just cut away a third of your potato rations.
13. Throw the skins into an empty pot; they should fill the pot about 3/4 of the way.
14. Fill the pot with water to completely submerge the potatoes.
15. Set timer for 25 minutes and leave stove on high.
16. Return to The Good Place season 2.
17. About 15 minutes in, the pot will begin to boil over.
18. Return to the pot and turn the heat down to medium.
19. Stand there ashamed until timer is up.
20. Strain potatoes.
21. Put about a fourth of a stick of butter in to the empty pot.
22. Toss the hot potatoes back onto the stick of butter.
23. Add about a half a cup of shredded Colby Jack cheese to the pot.
24. Realize that your Habanero Jalapeno Pepper Jack cheese is sliced, not shredded.
25. Crumble up one slice of the cheese into the bowl.
26. Mash and stir with a fork until the butter appears melted.
27. Add a healthy spoonful of the spicy mustard.
28. Add just a bit of milk to start.
29. Continue stirring and add a few good shakes of each spice to taste.
30. Continue adding milk until desired consistency.
31. Remove potatoes from pot and place them in re-purposed yogurt container.
32. Let cool as you drive 10 minutes two ways to pick up some spices you left at your parents house that you will use in other potatoes.
33. Let your mother try the potatoes even though she doesn't like mashed potatoes.
34. Return home.
35. Place container in fridge.
36. With remaining potatoes, create two separate kinds of mashed potato.
37. Fridge these two too.
38. Go to sleep.
39. Wake the next day.
40. Trisect your Crock Pot with tinfoil.
41. Place potatoes in tinfoil sections.
42. Drive to work.
43. Place your Crock Pot in the potluck room.and plug it in. It should be around 8:00am right now. Set the temperature to low.
44. Around noon, unplug the pot because the area you placed the pot started becoming the dessert area and you don't want people overlooking your potatoes. Move the pot to a more appropriate area, bug keep unplugged.
45. Serve.