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UNSOLICITED THOUGHTS

an ongoing series of essays, reviews, and general buffoonery by Colin Kohrs

This Ancient Exotic Test Will Reveal Who You Really Are On The Inside

7/25/2018

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You've probably heard of tests like this, imagination exercises that reveal solid truths about your personality, past and even future, but this one is special.
This ancient exotic test was developed many many years ago, and can reveal truths about your inside that you may have never known.
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If your inner eye isn't very concrete, grab a pencil and paper to draw something more permanent.

Start by picturing an apricot. What does it look like? How does it feel?

Next to the apricot, imagine Dame Maggie Smith staring at it with an intense thirst for the juice within the fruit. What kind of clothing is she wearing? Does she have a hat? Is she wearing contacts or glasses?

Behind Dame Maggie Smith, picture Grandmother Willow from Disney's "Pocahontas" to the best of your abilities. How far up the trunk is the face? How many wrinkle lines can you fit in the branches before it loses all artistic value and just seems like cross hatching? Is she tired?

Lastly imagine Frosty the Snowman holding an iPhone 6s. What color is the iPhone? Silver, white, rose gold? Is the heat of the technology melting frosty or fueling his cold and intense hatred for the warmth of the living. What shape is his coal?

Now it's time to reveal the truth within you.
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Look at your apricot. If your apricot is feeling sad, that's a sign that you're anemic. Angry apricots suggest tachycardia, whereas gleeful apricots suggest brachycardia. If instead of an apricot you drew a cow stabbing itself repeatedly with a butcher knife, you may have a lactose intolerance.

Look at Dame Maggie Smith. If she is in her Professor McGonagall get up, that means either severely low blood pressure or you're basic. If she is in her "Downton Abbey" clothes, you are at risk for macular degeneration. The stronger the thirst she has for the apricot the more severe the ailment.

Look at Grandmother Willow. Count the number of branches. This is the number of years you have before your kidneys fail. Good luck?
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Finally, look at Frosty the Snowman holding an iPhone 6s. Any depiction that does not include a cane means that your liver and your stomach have accidentally switched places and that you should get corrective surgery immediately.
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